Season 3: The Spoof
by nosleep3
Summary: Spoofy goodness of the third season of Alias. The ridiculous world of Syd, Vaughn, and the gang. Not suitable for young children.
1. Chapter 1

Season 3: The Spoof

Spoiler warning: The only reason this chapter even HAS a spoiler warning because I based it on some promo pictures I found on Alias Media. As far as I was aware at the time of writing it, it did not contain any actual dialogue from the episode.

Rating: This fic is rated PG13 (or T) because it contains the following curse words: asses, bitch, damned, hell, and whore. There is also a reference to a sexual encounter, but the act itself is NOT, repeat NOT shown, written, or elaborated on. Anyone who is old enough to read those things and still can't handle them needs to lighten up. Anyone NOT old enough to read those things needs to go read something else.

_Reunion: The Spoof_

Scene: CIA Joint Task Force conference room, seated at the crescent-shaped table in the following order from L-R are Weiss (at the end), Sydney, Dixon, Jack, empty seat, Vaughn, Lauren, Marshall (at the other end); Dixon is discussing the next op, in which some random doohickey will be retrieved, requiring knowledge of some random place Sydney's been before.

**Note: Voice-overs are indicated by v.o and are printed in **_**italics**_**. Voice-overs are not heard by the other characters, only the audience. Stage direction appears in parenthesis.**

Dixon: Once again, people, The Covenant has stolen some crap that one of our agents stored on an easily snatchable microchip instead of just e-mailing it to us.

Weiss: Dude, seriously, where do we get these losers?

Jack: Hell door.

(Everyone looks up at Jack in surprise. He sees their confusion and explains.)

Jack: **H**arvard **L**aw **D**rop-**O**ut **R**ecruitment program.

Marshall: Are...are you serious? Who would ever develop such a moronic—I mean, Harvard is great and all, but—who'd be foolish enough to create such a stupid—

Jack: (cuts him off, speaks cooly but calmly) Arvin and I developed it in the seventies, when we were both still with the CIA.

Marshall: (embarrassed) ...sorry.

Jack: Don't be. The CIA should have dumped it by now.

Sydney: ANYway, now that we've established that, can we get back to the op?

Dixon: The latest intel says the Covenant is holding the doohickey at this house (Picture flashes across screens) in London. Sydney, I believe you remember this place?

Sydney: That used to be an SD-6 safe house. (Suspicious look on face) Where did we **get** this intel, Dixon?

Lauren: Arvin Sloane informed us this morning of the possible location. Given his credible, consistent knowledge of all things Covenant-related, I think it's safe to move on this.

Sydney: Whoa, wait just a minute there, Ms. Reed. Does it not strike you as odd that every time we have a Covenant problem, Sloane knows the answers before we even ask him the questions? _V.O.: Nitwit._

Lauren: Your point being? _V.O.: I SO got your man._

Sydney: _V.O. You have trouble adding up two plus two, don't you?_ My POINT should be obvious, Little Bo Peep. Plainly, Sloane has some sort of connection to the Covenant that goes beyond merely "gathering intelligence."

Lauren: (crossing her bare legs under the table in defiance at Sydney) _V.O.: Not only do I sleep with your boyfriend, I'm not wearing any knickers, and Michael and I had a nice little tryst this morning in some place he calls "the flirting corner."_ I hardly think YOU can be objective when it comes to Arvin Sloane. He's provided us with countless pieces of crucial--

Sydney: (cuts her off; notices the leg crossing and lack of panties) Don't give me that, you naive little skank! I was running ops to kill people and blow stuff up on Sloane's orders back when you were passing notes to your boyfriend in study hall! _V.O.: Who LET you into the National Security Council? I wouldn't trust you with MALL security._

Vaughn: _V.O.: I'm so turned on right now. Is that wrong?_ Um...

Lauren: (ignoring Vaughn) So I guess that would make YOU the terrorist, wouldn't it, Miss Know-It-All? _V.O.: Whore._

Sydney: (beginning to get up and push her sleeves back) Why you little—

Dixon: Enough! Sydney, chill for just a minute. (Sydney sits back down.) And you, Ms. Reed. (Dixon fixes her with a glare.) What you don't seem to understand is that Sydney is my GIRL! (Beats chest twice with fist for emphasis.) Except for you, she's saved the lives of everyone in this room countless times. In fact, let's go around the room and talk about how she's saved our individual asses. (Looks at Weiss)

Weiss: (Dragging his eyes away from Lauren's legs) ...Yeah...uh...

(Sydney clears her throat. Jack sees what Weiss is staring at, then glares at Weiss disapprovingly.)

Weiss: (snaps to attention under the weight of the Glare) Right. Sydney saved my throat just two weeks ago from being slashed in that ambush in Paris.

(Sydney smiles.)

Dixon: She saved me in Aconcagua when K-Directorate shot me in the chest.

Lauren: (interrupting) K-who? _V.O.: He's gotta be making this up._

Dixon: (rolls eyes and continues) As I was saying, there was also that time six years ago back with SD-6, when we were caught in that tiger trap in Da Nang. Not only did she get us out alive and uninjured, but she also took out all the FTL guards who'd tried to capture us, AND took every valuable piece of intelligence they had stored in their computers.

Lauren: FTL? Is that some sort of florist?

Jack: (Death-Glares at Lauren) In addition to getting me out of prison twice now (beams at Sydney), she also came to rescue me from Inini Hassan in Cuba, AND saved Dixon, Marshall, and myself from being blown up by the C-4 in the Credit Dauphine building—

Vaughn: Hey, I helped with that!

Jack: (glares him into silence, then continues) ...AND she saved me when Ariana Cain's hit squad tried to take me at that movie theater, AND she saved me from that German bastard who tried to electrocute me to death the night the Alliance was brought down. (Smiles almost imperceptibly at Sydney)

(Silence. Everyone stares at Vaughn, waiting for him to take his turn and say something.)

Lauren: Is there something you haven't told me, dear?

(Sydney looks at Vaughn as if he's betrayed her, then looks away. Jack, noticing this, Death-Glares Vaughn into speaking.)

Vaughn: (clears throat) Sydney...um...she…

Lauren: (clearly angry) Spit it out, bitch!

Vaughn: (upset by his wife's outburst, speaks more forcefully) She saved me from having my heart cut out by Khasinau, she infiltrated a lab and arranged a hit on Sloane to obtain the antidote to save me from Red Ball disease, and she stopped Sark from shooting me to death in that stairwell two years ago.

(Sydney looks down and smiles to herself. Lauren looks pissed.)

Lauren: Red Ball disease?! Am I supposed to take this crap seriously?

Vaughn: I was in a coma for forty hours, DEAR. Does that sound serious enough to you?

Marshall: (interrupting the tension) She also, um, you know, saved me from those guys at the symphony who tried to dart me, and that psycho dentist who tried to make me recreate that computer program. Yeah, you rock, Sydney! (smiles broadly at her)

Sydney: (smiles back) Thanks.

Dixon: So you see, Ms. Reed, we all have a history with Sydney Bristow that goes far beyond what you've imagined. In addition, she and her father are probably the only two people who know Sloane's deceptive capabilities better than I do. If either of them think they see a pattern of behavior in Sloane that indicates his current actions are questionable, I'm inclined to at least consider it.

Lauren: Hmph. (crosses her arms, sticks her nose in the air) _V.O.: Favoritism._

Dixon: (sighs) On the other hand, we have no other intel to move on to retrieve this damn doohickey. I'm green-lighting the op.

(Lauren gets a triumphant look on her face. Sydney and Jack frown at her. Vaughn looks down at his hands. Weiss looks hungry, so he stares up Lauren's legs again to distract himself.)

Dixon: But...

(Lauren's triumphant look fades.)

Dixon: Since you think this intel is so safe to move on, Ms. Reed, you will be accompanying the team to retrieve the doohickey.

(Lauren gets look of sheer terror on her face. Sydney looks at Dixon as if wondering whether to throttle him or kiss him.)

Lauren: But I—

Dixon: (cuts her off) If things are as you say they are, then you have nothing to worry about. And if not—don't worry. Ms. Bristow will be there to save you. (smiles)

(Sydney smirks. Jack looks amused. Marshall starts to chuckle. Vaughn tries hard to stifle laughter. Lauren looks at Vaughn like he's going to pay for that when they get home. Weiss is still staring at Lauren's crotch. Dixon notices that.)

Dixon: Marshall will run op-tech with you this afternoon. Dismissed, people. (Everyone begins getting up to leave.) Oh, and Ms. Reed?

Lauren: (looking around at everyone awkwardly) Yes, Director Dixon?

Dixon: In the future, please wear SOMETHING under a skirt that short. I think it may be too much for Mr. Weiss to handle.

Lauren: (turns red) Y-yes, sir. (grabs Vaughn by the sleeve and tries to drag him out of the room)

(Jack and Sydney share an amused look, then leave. Marshall and Weiss look around for doughnut boxes. )


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Once again, voice overs are indicated by V.O.: and are printed in italics. No one hears them but the audience. Stage directions are in parenthesis. Oh, and ALIAS IS NOT MINE. DON'T SUE ME. I'M A POOR HOUSEWIFE.

Episode: Reunion (still)

Scene: At the meeting between Sloane, Sydney, Vaughn, and Lauren. Sloane is on one side of the table. Opposite him are (L-R from Sloane's perspective) Sydney, Vaughn, and Lauren, with Lauren closest to the door. The Dork Triangle is trying to convince Sloane to get them into a party so they can retrieve a doohickey. Basically the set-up is just like it was in the episode.

Sloane: Let me get this straight, Ms. Reed. You want me to commit a crime to help you commit a crime to prevent someone else from committing a crime?

Lauren: Basically, yes. (blinks) I think.

Sloane: Hmm, let me think about it...NO!

Lauren: Aw, come on. Why not?

Sloane: Because I've been giving the CIA way too much help lately, and it's starting to look bad.

Sydney: (raises eyebrow suspiciously) To whom?

Sloane: (smiling deviously, as if he knows something she doesn't) To you, of course. _V.O.: Can't have all this cooperation and intelligence making it look like I'm really in charge of the Covenant. Which I SO AM._

(Vaughn and Lauren glance at each other uncomfortably.)

Lauren: You are aware, of course, that **I** am the one who got you your pardon in the first place, correct?

Sloane: (stares at her lustily) I remember quite well, Ms. Reed.

(Vaughn shoots Sloane a dirty look.)

Lauren: Then you know that I can report your lack of cooperation to the CIA, the NSC, and our president, who won't hesitate to invalidate that pardon. _V.O.: Heh heh, I've got you now, snugglecakes._

Sloane: _V.O.: I love it when you get fiesty._ Then you also know that my pardon agreement specifically states, and I quote: 'I may have to tell you crap, but I don't gotta DO crap for you.' Not to mention the part that says, 'Any illegal activity will result in my immediately being strapped to a table and cut up into small portions so that each country I've terrorized can have a piece of me to piss on, mutilate, scorch, reanimate, and kill all over again.'

Sydney: Who wrote that last clause?

Lauren: (rolling eyes) CIA director.

Sydney: (smiling) Good one.

Sloane: (looking at Sydney) As much as I enjoy making you smile, my dear, I'm afraid in this case I cannot comply with your request. To do so would be disastrous. (turns to look at Lauren) Also, it would be entirely too convenient to you and the CIA, and like I said, that's starting to make me look bad.

Vaughn: Maybe he's chicken.

Sloane: (rolls eyes) Oh please.

Vaughn: (begins flapping elbows) Bwok bwok b-gawk!

Sloane: (narrows eyes at Vaughn) Stop that!

Vaughn: Heeeeeeerrrrrre chicky chicky chicky.

Sloane: Enough!

Vaughn: _V.O.: I knew that would work._ So you'll help us?

Sloane: No. _V.O.: Imbecile._

Sydney: (fed up) _V.O.: If you want something done right..._ Look, Sloane. (begins channeling the personality of Jack Bristow) I'm going to make something very clear to you. You may have some people fooled into thinking you've changed, that you have some sort of benign agenda. I am not one of them. The moment any one of us falls victim to your endgame, I will personally blow your head off. (shakes head, returns to her own personality) As for our request, if you don't do what we've asked, I will do the cha-cha on your nether-region, then sew your toes to your ears and blow-torch your eyelids off, after which I will make several incisions every few centimeters along your disgusting, naked body, then set loose a pack of blood-thirsty rats to consume your flesh and leave droppings on your sorry, rotting carcass.

(Silence. Everyone takes a minute to contemplate and mentally picture everything Sydney just said.)

Sloane: (smiling deviously but proudly) Sydney. Still my sweetheart.

Sydney: (crosses her arms arrogantly, stares levelly at him) Try me.

(Sloane is silent for another moment. Vaughn tries to stare him down, but Sloane won't even acknowledge his presence. Lauren arches one of her E.O.U.S.'s at him (Eyebrows Of Unusual Size). Sloane smiles deviously. AGAIN.)

Sloane: Very well, ladies. _V.O.: That includes you, Mr. Vaughn._ I'll get two of you in the door. But only as a favor to **you,** Sydney.

Lauren: Fine. I'll expect your call with details. (begins putting paperwork in her briefcase)

Sloane: (more devious smiling) Mr. Vaughn, I'm sure you're glad Sydney's alive and well. I remember you two were quite close. In fact, I remember she tried to have me killed for your sake. In fact, I remember Mr. Sark's girlfriend Allison video taping the two of you in bed. In fact--

Vaughn: Okay, okay, I get it. Yes, I'm glad she's back, alive, safe, yada yada yada. Let's go already.

(Vaughn and Sydney get up to leave, but have not left the room. Lauren pauses two seconds before getting up to follow.)

Sloane: Nice to see you again, Lauren.

Vaughn: (turns around) What did you say?

Sloane: I said your wife has a nice butt.

Vaughn: (gets crazy look in the eyes) WHAT?! SHE DOES NOT!

Lauren: (turning around angrily) Excuse me?!

(Sloane crosses his arms and smirks.)

Vaughn: I mean, um, she does, but...YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO NOTICE THAT! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!

Sydney: (touching Vaughn's arm) Vaughn...

Vaughn: (looking at Sydney) HE CAN'T SAY THAT!

Sydney: (pulling Vaughn gently by the arm) Come on, I'll explain his baiting on the way to the hotel. _V.O.: Her butt's not THAT impressive._ (Vaughn and Sydney exit)

(Sloane gets up to see Lauren to the door.)

Lauren: (looking up at Sloane) Thank you for your cooperation, Arvin. (flirtatiously winks)

Sloane: See you at eight?

Lauren: Better make it ten.

Sloane: Got it.

(Sloane slaps her rear. Lauren smiles devilishly before leaving. Sloane smiles deviously, again, some more. Then he goes over to his office restroom mirror to practice a broader range of deviant smiles. )


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Even More Reunion

A/N: Voice-overs in italics, stage direction in parenthesis, Alias and its characters are all the property of rich people who aren't me.

Scene 1: Getting Dressed

Vaughn is getting dressed in his monkey suit—that means a tuxedo, not an actual MONKEY suit. Lauren is helping him dress because, you know, she feels the need to dress him up rather than let him act like a grown man and dress himself. Sydney is in the other room, making herself look stunning, without help I might add.

Vaughn: (putting on pants) Lauren, really, I've got it. I've been putting my own pants on for decades, you know.

Lauren: (trying to zip him up) Shush, dear. Why did you insist on wearing these old, light blue boxers? They've been in the back of your middle drawer for as long as I can remember, and you've never worn them.

Vaughn: (looking in the direction of the door to the room Sydney's changing in) Oh, no reason. (swats Lauren's hands away) Please stop that. (fastens cummerbund)

Lauren: (messing with his shirt) Why didn't you want to wear the cufflinks I gave you, darling? I thought you said they would always bring you luck. (flicks invisible dust off his shirt)

Vaughn: (thinking fast) Um, well, I didn't want to risk anything happening to them. This IS going to be a dangerous assignment, after all, and I'm afraid to lose them. (changing the subject) By the way, tell me again why you aren't going with us to the party? I thought Dixon assigned you to be part of this mission as well.

Lauren: (helping him into his coat) Don't be foolish, dearest. Sydney Bristow is not the only person in that office with an influential father. (smiles) I just made a little phone call to Senator Daddy, and now I'm danger-free.

Vaughn: _V.O.: You are PATHETIC. Sydney would never enlist her father to help her shirk her duty or get her out of a tight spot._ That's great, honey. I'm glad you'll be safe. (looks away so he can roll his eyes and pick up his bow tie)

Lauren: Oh, let me tie that for you, pookie. (snatches it from him and starts trying to tie it)

Vaughn: (exasperated) Lauren! (snatches it back) I don't need you to tie it for me! I remember how to tie a damn bow! (looks in the mirror and fixes his tie) Now just stand there and look pretty.

Lauren: (frustrated) Yes, snookums.

Vaughn: (looking at her in the mirror) Why do you do that?

Lauren: (looks up at his reflection) Do what?

Vaughn: Why do you only act this way at certain times of the month? Once a month you get all fussy over my clothes and call me ridiculous pet names. The next day you fly out to Zurich, and as soon as you get home, you're all normal again. Is it some sort of PMS thing?

Lauren: (eyes go wide momentarily, and she swallows hard) _V.O.: Please don't let him remember that Sloane's offices are in Zurich._ (thinking fast) Oh, darling, I just get so nervous when we're going to be separated! (rushes into his arms so he can't see her face) I just adore you so much!

Vaughn: Oh, honey. I'm sorry. (hugs her) I should have been more sensitive. I understand.

Lauren: (face buried in his arm) sniff _V.O.: Heh heh. Fell for it hook, line, and sinker._

Vaughn: (gently pushing her away) So, how do I look? _V.O.: Studly, as usual._

Lauren: (sweeps him with a critical eye) Not bad. _V.O.: You're no Arvin Sloane_

(Vaughn frowns.)

Lauren: Just kidding, pooh. You look adorable. (thinks for a second) Do you remember that party in Prague?

Vaughn: The one where we got drunk off our asses and ended up naked in a ratty motel the next morning?

Lauren: No, dear. That was when we first met in Vegas and woke up married. I'm talking about our THIRD date.

Vaughn: The one where we got completely sloshed and woke up in the backseat of some stranger's car?

Lauren: (sighs) No, pookums, that was our second date, when you took me to France to introduce me to your mother. I'm talking about the PARTY? In PRAGUE? When you were wearing a TUXEDO? Just like the one you have on now?

(Vaughn gives her a blank look.)

Lauren: (sighs again) You really don't remember?

Vaughn: (shrugs) Hey, what can I say? I was plastered.

Lauren: (looking up at the ceiling disgustedly) Oh, nevermind. You really do know how to piss on my good mood, you know that?

(Enter Syd, looking all kinds of hot and classy.)

Lauren: (seeing Sydney out of the corner of her eye, thrusts herself forward into Vaughn's arms) Be careful, my darling. (cups his chin in her hand) And remember how much I love you. (plants a big wet kiss on his lips) _V.O.: He's my man now, honey._

Vaughn: _V.O.: The hell?_ (pulling out of the kiss) Yes, dear. I love you, too.

Sydney: (rolling her eyes) I'm ready to go. _V.O.: If you're done pissing on trees and scratching up furniture, I'd like to get on with our JOB, Miss Kitty._

(Lauren and Vaughn turn to face Sydney. Vaughn's eyes widen when he sees her, and he swallows to keep his tongue from lolling about. Lauren swiftly and critically appraises Sydney's clothing.)

Lauren: Oh, Sydney! I didn't see you there. (smiles innocently) My, you certainly look...nice. _V.O.: ...for a two-dollar whore._

Sydney: (quick smile) _V.O.: And you look like you could use a good dental cleaning and a couple of weeks with an oral surgeon._ Thank you. (to Vaughn) Ready?

Vaughn: (recovering his composure) Yes, yes I am.

Lauren: I'll just make a quick call to Dixon, then I'm flying out. I'll see you tomorrow.

Vaughn: (looks down at his wife, realizing that she is HOPELESSY plain when in the same room as Sydney) Goodbye, then, dear.

Lauren: (smiles) Goodbye, bitsy pookums. (exits into an adjoining room to make the call)

Vaughn: (smiling at Sydney) Shall we?

Sydney: (smiling back quickly) Lets.

(As they turn to leave, Vaughn, out of old habit, starts to raise his hand to squeeze Sydney's ass before they leave, then suddenly remembers that he's not drunk enough for that yet. They exit.)

(In the other room)

Lauren: (on the phone) No, of course he doesn't suspect anything. He's completely blind now that Sydney's back… She has no idea. Why should she? … Yes, I'm sure… That's right, my plane lands in Zurich at 10:00 tomorrow morning, and I have a five hour layover… I don't think that's what they meant when they coined the term "layover…" I'll see you at the usual place, then… Miss you too, Arvin. Good night.

Scene 2: The Party

Sydney and Vaughn are strutting around in all their good-looking glory, shaking hands and dropping hints about how rich they are. Unfortunately, they have a good hour to kill until the guards change shifts. Let the shenanigans begin.

Sydney: (whispering) Vaughn, did you _see_ what the Russian Science Minister did?

Vaughn: (whispering back) See him? I had to restrain myself from putting my foot up his—

Sydney: Vaughn! (looks around) If anybody's going to kick a man's ass for trying to grab my butt during a dance, it's going to be ME.

Vaughn: I don't care. He's MINE. (begins to stride toward Russian Science Minister)

Sydney: (grabbing his arm to stop him) Vaughn, stop.

Vaughn: (turns to face her) What? (looks down at her hand on his arm, then looks in her eyes)

Sydney: (slowly removing her hand, speaks softly) Remember what we're here for. (looks into his eyes, suddenly forgets what they're here for)

Vaughn: (looking into her eyes and forgetting as well) Yeah…

Sydney: (seeing a waiter pass by) Drinks!

Vaughn: Exactly! (grabs a couple glasses of champagne) Here you go. (hands her a glass)

Sydney: Shall we toast?

Vaughn: To what?

Sydney: (thinks a moment) To our first mission together again.

(They clink glasses and drink. Both of them down their entire glass in one swallow.)

Vaughn: Well…

Sydney: Yeah…

(They stand there stupidly for a second. String quintet begins to play some tango music.)

Vaughn: Care to dance?

Sydney: Let's boogie.

(Three more glasses each of champagne later…)

Vaughn: (dancing suggestively, arms wrapped tightly around Sydney's torso) Come on girl! Shake whatcha momma gave ya!

Sydney: (arms in the air) Let's rip the roof off this mutha!

Russian Science Minister: (in Russian) THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!

(DJ Vlad has set up his turntable next to the string quintet, who are giving him dirty looks. The strange sounds of Russian hip-hop fill the room. Vaughn's tie is untied and casually draped around his neck, and the top two buttons of his shirt have been ripped off. Sydney's spiral-curled locks are coming down, but she still looks hot.)

Russian Minister of Foreign Affairs: (in Russian) COTTON CANDY, SWEDISH GOLD! LET ME SEE THAT TOOTSIE ROLL!

(As the whole room is filled with crazy-dancing people in tuxedos and evening gowns, Sydney checks her watch. She whispers to Vaughn. They quietly exit the ballroom arm in arm.)

(Outside the ballroom)

Sydney: No, Vaughn, the executive elevators are THIS way. What's over there?

Vaughn: Oh! Sorry. That's the way to the dormitory.

Sydney: …Oh. Um. Well…

Vaughn: (long pause, uses suggestive tone) …Do you think we have time for—

Sydney: (cutting him off) Not so much. We'd better get moving.

(They exit toward the elevators, Vaughn's hand once again gravitating toward Sydney's ass.)


End file.
